I think God's in the details. Why? Because I think if you look close enough at anything, you are bound to be amazed at what you find. I have this tendency to experience momentary drop-outs in my connection with reality (no surprise, eh?), after which, for a few seconds, I just stand still in awe of the nature of this world. I mean, everything about this existence is fascinating. But at the same time, the very energy (for lack of a better word) that causes this fascination also causes me to frequently wonder why. I suppose the two are interlinked; I am both fascinated and repulsed at the idea that right now I am sitting in my room, punching away at these keys that make words appear on the screen. Words that are going to be read by you, my imaginary audience, who cannot prove that they really exist. It's amazing to think that man has gone from living in caves and hunting everyday for survival to this life of comfort (and superficiality, it must be said). Geez, I mean, think about it, clear your mind and think about it. That part amazes me, but for some reason, abstracting away the whole mechanism of existence (which I suppose translates to just over-simplifying it?) makes me wonder what it's all for. They say people spend their whole lives searching for meaning. I think that's possibly the most focussed goal I have ever set for myself, and the only goal that has lasted all these years - to find out just what this crazy world's all about.

And now let's tie that in with programming. I sometimes wonder about programming and whether it's what I really want to do. The passion is still there, but, me being the obsessive maniac that I am, I often think about programming and its place in the rest of the world. Can I look back at my life and be happy with what I've done? What mark have I left if I become a programmer? I suppose if one became the best-darn programmer there ever was, that's sort of leaving a mark on the world, but I am driven by a search for something more, something greater. Usually people advise that by having a family that loves and cares for you, and children to carry on the torch as it were, that's enough of a legacy. But it should come as no surprise that that doesn't satisfy me. I am unfortunately completely ego-centric, I do treat the world as though it revolves around me, and sometimes I wonder "Well, why not?". Armed with recurring thoughts of solipsism, I often think that the universe does indeed revolve around me (never totally seriously, but still, I believe this is indicative of full-blown dementia). No, I feel as though my mark ought to be directly related to me, as though I want people to chant my name for all eternity.

The fact that this is not going to happen only serves to upset me at times; not times like this, for now I am in a wonderfully mellow mood, contrary to whatever tone may be implied by my writings. Does it all have a meaning? I'd sure love to know. I only hope that I never lose the urge to find out what it all means, because for me, it's a powerful driving force, although sometimes it gets in the way of me living a proper life (whatever that is).