Monday, July 19, 2004

I'm thrilled! I found a piece of writing from two years ago, a valuable piece of my past. A reflection on change that is again fictional, but which does draw from certain elements in my own life. Again, this is something I did in high-school, which I suppose was a time of transition for me. Without further ado, here we go:




Suddenly, I realized I was in a different world. A thousand miles in search of something long gone.

For all I know the sky could have been red. I was too busy maintaining a calm exterior while inside, I was imploding.

Malls and shops where I once saw quaint houses. People who waved at me as I walked past. "Good morning! How are you?". So many memories. I mused over this scenario as music blared inside one of the shops.

Too many years. I had the belief it was the same as it was back then. When I was little, I would tell my uncle of my problems like these. He would console me and sneak in some chocolate when my mother wasn't looking. "A child should indulge in..being a child!", he would say.

I remember his house. Long driveway with innocent looking steps masking what I at times believed was a palace. How many years ago! I would play hide and seek. I hated it, but I enjoyed the rush when working against the seeker. I only hated it because, more often than not, I was the seeker.

Such delicious food would await, but I as a child did not appreciate it. I saw food and I ate it; it was that simple. No retrospective thoughts on the significance of the house. No firm desire to remember every detail. Eat, play, sleep.

I learnt that he sold the house a year ago. It didn't affect me much at the time. I was so far away, and preoccupied with more immediate issues. But as I trudged along the road, my heart sank. The gate was barred, the house oddly empty. Of course, one can't tell these from the outside, but still...

Next to the arcade ("NEW! Super Mario 64!"), I found his apartment. I rang the bell and observed my trembling fingers.

We sat and exchanged platitudes, both aware of a huge gap in our lives. I would never know him the same again, and vice-versa. So many years, so much had happened. I questioned why it had to.."So, what do you do?" "Oh, accounting."..be like this.

He laughed as he told me he would offer some chocolate if he could. "Diabetic", he said. I offered my sympathies while realizing how I would never relive the experience. No consoling. No chocolate.

I bade him farewell some weeks later. I never saw him again. Such is life, I thought. I saw some children playing in the arcade, concentrating at the screen. I wondered what they would say in ten years about their childhood. Maybe lament that their rustic arcade with primitive technology is no more? Oddly amusing.

I wish I saw a ghost in the house, reminding me of old times. I saw nothing. Only darkness.

Some teens sped past in their sports car, splashing water all over me. Disoriented, I stumbled to the ground. I got up and walked into the horizon, red sky engulfing me.




I hope you don't feel inclined to think "Some things are best left in the past". I have bittersweet memories of this story - partly because of what it means to me. I don't think you'd be interested in why exactly it does, gentle reader, but there you go.

2 comments:

xiaodai said...

If anything, I was quite moved by this story. There are things that I remember fondly of my childhood, what's sad is that i won't be able to experience them the way it was again. No matter how hard we try, we won't be innocent again. When I was a baby, if i waved my toy around, ppl would invariably give me the biggest smile and comment on how cute i was to the eternal delight of my mum. But, if my social grace is still limited to smiling at strangers while waving my toy around, the best i could expect is a dirty look. How much have changed. I wish i could re-live my childhood again, because i've forgotten so much of it, yet, however vague it might be, i think those were happy times. Ah, sentamentalism.

AKM said...

Yeah I have fond memories of this story, it does rely a fair bit on my personal experiences, and so I guess it makes it all more believbale and intense. Your quote "No matter how hard we try, we won't be innocent again" is very true, and very sad. Once you lose it, it's lost forever. Kind of depressing, really.