Friday, August 17, 2007

Mud left buddy jam

Introversion can sometimes manifest itself at the most undesirable of times; and what frustrates the most is that I still haven't figured out whether these manifestations are natural and involuntary, or whether I have more control than I believe. My guess? I think it's "natural", only so far as it is familiar - which I guess makes it involuntary too. With proper training, I'm fairly sure it can be curbed, though I doubt it can be licked entirely.

A recurrent experience is a feeling of complete distancing from myself at completely inappropriate moments, where consciousness and reality are separate (that is unfortunately the best I can put it). There is no awareness of "myself", perhaps due to the fact that there is no time for thought. Instead, I am forced to rely on an increasingly rusty auto-pilot, whose technical limitations are showing themselves quite flagrantly of late. And usually, all of a sudden, there is a flash of clarity, where I become all too aware of this, and as a result I cannot help but feel that I have been stringing my companion on some elaborate ride when my heart is not in it. Truth, where does it lie? Not in half-formed blog posts, I know that for sure.