Three silly quotes for you to ponder:

"I have nothing against gays and I'd like to keep it that way" - Jimminy Glick (aka Martin Short)

"I'm sorry, I just get so choked up when I think of all the problems in the world that can be solved with booze" - Artie from Norm

C: Sir, you need professional help!
G: I prefer amateur help.
C: What's amateur help?
G: Booze and cocaine.
C: (Shakes head) Alright, stick around folks, we'll be back after this commercial.
G: I did a commercial once.
C: You did a commercial? What for?
G: Booze and cocaine.

- From Late Night With Conan O' Brien