"You need to become a better individual. I am not saying you are a crappy person, but there is always something that everybody lacks. We, the geeks, mostly lacks in conversation skill and self-image. We are not aware about this until somebody else point that out to us, or see ourselves in a video tape, or maybe when we realize that nobody wants us. Look yourself in a mirror. Do you see a loser or a winner? You must see a winner"

Nice (if typical) motivational speech directed towards geeks, but especially interesting for me. Because I don't want to see a winner in the mirror. "What?!", you splutter incredulously. No, 'tis true, I don't think I want to be a winner. Am I mad? Scared of success? There's bound to be some deep psychological problem that creates this sort of thing.

But seriously, I don't want to be a winner. The thought of it is it both unsettling and, dare I say it, revolting. I don't know, perhaps it's the full moon, but the thought of self-confidence is, well, frightening. I'm not sure whether it's because that would be a dramatic step away from my personality, but I would think not; I think the fundamental issue is that I don't like the thought of being a winner. This is possibly due to the fact that I have this fractured image of what a winner is - it's one of those strong images that is really hard to express in words. Suffice to say, it's not something I wish to pursue.

Surely actually wanting to be a failure is condemning yourself then? The thing is, is there a dichotomy? Winner and loser, failure and success? I would guess that there is someplace in between that I would like to see myself. Mediocrity is the best word for it. The thought of being nothing more than a failure is comforting at times (that's another story for another day, children), but I would like to delude myself at moments like these that I have the potential to rise above it - but I certainly have no desire to be a success. So there must be a middle ground, or else I'm going to be running in circles (which is always a possibility).

In short, I don't want to be one of those smug successful people - mediocrity is my cup of tea.

How is it I find stuff to write about these nights? Not a clue.