As I was sifting through some of my previous posts, I was reminded of a time not too long ago that when I was convinced that I was doomed, and that all my exams would end in failure. I did much better than I expected, and so I think it's important for me to confront this issue so that I can tame the neurosis. I actually think that the marks reflect virtually nothing, and that I was right in being scared, because I wasn't thinking about how well I could answer exam questions, I was thinking about how much I knew. It turns out that I didn't know a whole lot, but apparently it was good enough to help me not fail the exams. I think it's easy to consider that a victory and move on, but no, I don't think I ought to think of it as a victory. That would create the illusion in my head that I somehow deserve the good fortune, and that couldn't be farther from the truth.

I think the basic issue is that exams don't really test knowledge to as great an extent as they perhaps should, because if they did, I would be repeating this semester all over again. Kinda makes the matter of marks rather pointless, doesn't it? Well, not entirely, but it does go to show that they aren't everything, and that having them as the ultimate goal is not beneficial in the long run. Every time after an exam I say that knowledge is what's important, and that I shouldn't think that my marks are a reflection of my knowledge, but I don't believe I listen to myself very often. I fear I sometimes work solely at the goal of getting good marks, rather than gaining knowledge. Yet, at the same time, if I did really badly mark-wise, I would probably be sobbing right now saying how I've failed totally and how I need to study harder, and so on. Essentially, this is just another indication of how cluttered my mind is.