Wednesday, September 15, 2004

Although I sometimes joke about my multiple personalities and "the voices in my head", it dawned on me that this is more prevalent in people than one may initially believe. I think there are many masks that we wear in our private and public lives, and it's interesting trying to figure out where exactly the mask stops and the face begins - at what point do you really know someone else? Can one ever be sure that the person you are talking to is that person?

I often wear the mask of the fool, for reasons that are still unknown to me. I recently remarked it was a defense mechanism, and that seems the most logical (if ultimiately unsatisfying) hypothesis. At times when people are put off by this, I immediately am struck by how I wish I hadn't chosen to wear that mask, and how I should have instead acted "as I am" - no facades, just me. This is the point that the real me kicks in, and tends to take over - desperately trying to make up for whatever damage the mask caused.

Granted, this is somewhat frivolous, but what strikes me as more apparent is how people can seem to be perfectly normal and happy to other people, but on the inside can feel all sorts of strange emotions, from the depressed to the dark and brooding. What is it that forces us to wear a weak smile rather than express what we think about? Reminds me of a Beatles lyric:

Although I laugh and I act like a clown,
Beneath this mask, I am wearing a frown



Indeed! I myself have been just like that on a number of occasions. But sitting here and thinking about it now, I wonder whether it is better to keep the small things that make up feel a paler shade of white on the inside to ourselves, rather than dampen the spirits of others? My initial reaction is that such a thing is simple-minded, but who knows?

I don't think there can be a world without facades, or rather, such a world may not be that fun to live in. If everyone always spoke what was on their mind and acted in their normal way, it could be a much bleaker world than the one we currently live in ("Is it possible for it to get any bleaker?", I hear you ask). But still, less of it might be a good thing once in a while - otherwise, illusion and reality merge to form the twisted blur we always see in front of us..!

I do hope you'll excuse the heavy use of the word "mask", but I couldn't come up with any other colourful metaphors or similes, it's far too late for that sort of thing.

5 comments:

Jenny said...

you do that too? COOL! *pause* well, not cool, but anyway I was surprised because I thought I was the only one who did that..

I don't want to 'wear the mask of the fool'.. I wear it for reasons which are known to me (defence) though

"At times when people are put off by this, I immediately am struck by how I wish I hadn't chosen to wear that mask, and how I should have instead acted "as I am" - no facades, just me."

you are the person who chose to wear that mask, so by pretending to be silly you are aditya, the person who is pretending he is silly. which is you. with a mask. but still you.

*pause* I dunno what I'm talking about again, sorry :(

AKM said...

"I thought I was the only one who did that"

I did notice that you sometimes present a very different version of yourself than you do online. In person, you rarely (if ever) seem upset, but on your blog, there are entries where one can clearly see that you're not feeling too great. I wonder why that is?

"you are the person who chose to wear that mask, so by pretending to be silly you are aditya, the person who is pretending he is silly"

I don't think you understand what I mean. I mean in the sense that there is the "real" me, with no mask, just as I am, my personality, my thoughts, my feelings, and so on. And then there are these other forms of me - these masks that I sometimes wear in a figurative sense. So while it is still Aditya, it is not quite the Aditya that I know, if ya get what I mean.

I think we wear the mask sometimes to fit in. I think I did this today with someone, because I knew that otherwise I would be in a very awkward, uncomfortable situation. Then again, maybe it's because I have no social skills, and so I try to hide this fact from others :)

Jenny said...

I did notice that you sometimes present a very different version of yourself than you do online. In person, you rarely (if ever) seem upset, but on your blog, there are entries where one can clearly see that you're not feeling too great. I wonder why that is?

it's easier to be upset online I guess. another guess is that I'm happier with my friends

I don't think you understand what I mean. I mean in the sense that there is the "real" me, with no mask, just as I am, my personality, my thoughts, my feelings, and so on. And then there are these other forms of me - these masks that I sometimes wear in a figurative sense. So while it is still Aditya, it is not quite the Aditya that I know, if ya get what I mean.

ah, ok. *nod* the jenny I know is currently crying so I don't really want to point this out.

I think we wear the mask sometimes to fit in. I think I did this today with someone, because I knew that otherwise I would be in a very awkward, uncomfortable situation. Then again, maybe it's because I have no social skills, and so I try to hide this fact from others :)

who was this? *pause* ME! oh no, I must have pissed you off and you didn't want to tell me... I'm so sorry!

AKM said...

Silly Miss Zhu, it most certainly was not you :) I am by and large normal around you. Even when I make stupid/"funny" comments, I don't think that's the fool's mask talking, because there is a difference between purposely being a fool and naturally being one :) It's all very interesting I think, I ought to put this in my book.

Jenny said...

:)