"But if you're gonna dine with them cannibals,
Sooner or later, darling, you're gonna get eaten"
-- Nick Cave, "Cannibal's Hymn"

I really can't help it if it invariably turns out that a Nick Cave lyric seems most appropriate. "Everything that you say rings true", as a different lyricist would say!

If only I had the courage to stand up for what I believed in when the moment arises...

(Unfinished, I'm afraid!)

---

To think that before the whole thing got underway, I actually thought it would be interesting in the genuine sense of the word, and not in the way it is now. It wouldn't be right for me to make too much of my prior feelings toward it, since I only realized that it would commence a minute or so in advance. But that is still plenty of time to imagine how sometime will pan out. My main thought was that it would be heartening to see Fan talk, which was something I'd never seen him do. Even though our paths crossed more than a few times, I don't recall him ever saying anything, either to me or to anyone else for that matter. This made him quite an enigma to me, and I often wondered about what his story was. He seemed much older than most of us, and I don't know that anyone had any idea as to what it was he did all day. I imagined a backstory that involved leaving his home to bring pride to...but now I think I go too far. Such fantasies now seem too sorrowful to dwell on.

It didn't start off particularly well, and by the first minute I even suspected that I would tune off well before the end of it. If only! As it turned out, I would be in rapt attention till the very end. The doctor made himself known almost straight away, by scrunching his face and tilting it in all manner of angles, making it very clear to those of us fortunate enough to be seated by him that he was not happy with something. I was immediately irritated with such a brazen show of disrespect, never mind that Fan did not notice it. I suppose it is because it assumed the fault lay with Fan - "It is not that I do not possess the intellect to dissect it, it is that you do not possess the oratorical gift to explain it".

And yes, maybe it did. Let me be clear before I go any further - I did not think Fan did a particularly good job. Of course I admit it! My heart has not clouded my head so much that I am unable to see or admit that. It is irrelevant, though, because I think what the doctor touched on, what he did to elicit such a seemingly disproportionate reaction from me, was the person behind all of it. Fan, that is. You, doctor, have not seen Fan walking around in his faded jacket, making me feel like I had company in feeling that it was far too cold indoors. And you never saw him eating his home-made lunch at his desk, at around the same time I did. But somehow you think you know him? You do not!

As though particularly keen that Fan should notice his disapproval, the doctor interrupted him (rudely, I thought, but I will let that pass in the scale of things) to ask, in his best passive-aggressive tone, for a "clarification". It did not portend good - I could see from his face, slowly hardening, that he was not happy with what Fan was saying. It was about to explode I thought, once Fan had resumed talking again, and he couldn't contain it any longer, and so he...laughed! Laughed! The gall of the doctor, to laugh! Even now it amazes me that the rest of the council brooked such a display. Oh, they noticed it, I know that - I made a special point of looking at their faces when the ripples of laughter came. There was a tacit acceptance of it, probably more to do his standing in the community than anything else. I even noticed him look at Lin, seated next to him - he seemed to be imploring her, "Laugh along with me! Let us make known our contempt for this debacle! Do you not think the whole thing to be pure parody?". Lin, however, only gave a weak smile before staring at the book I am sure she was glad to have brought along. "Andsoanysystemmustbecarefullystudiedbeforeonededuces"...and then he looked away too.

The good doctor's laughter was, of course, sickening, but even though he had no part in it, I have to say, it was not as disturbing as Fan's polite smile at the derision, blissfully unaware of the smug, supercilious doctor mocking all that he had done these so many years. Of course, that was not the worst of the lot; no, the worst would have to be the...bleeding arrogance of the doctor's put-downs - as if laughing openly was not enough (perhaps he was further angered by the smile?), it was as if he was saying "I have put aside valuable time for you, and this is what you greet me with?". My indifference to the doctor turned to an intense dislike when I picked up on this haughty tone with which he was speaking. I half wanted to tell him that there was no reason for him to stay, and that there was in fact no reason for him to have attended in the first place. "If you feel your time is being wasted, dear doctor, I do not think that subjecting yourself to more clear torture is the smartest action". But enough of this nonsense...

I suppose what I would have liked to have done is ask the doctor to hold his tongue, and stop picking away at the specifics that detracted from the overall picture. Yes, I would say, Fan does not engage as another might have, but take his smile at your callousness to mean something. Take it to show what you have lost in the years you have spent helping others. But at this stage, perhaps I go too far...

There was respite eventually, and not a moment too soon, when Jane finally (finally!) stopped the barrage, using her soft, lilting voice to its full potential. She explained Fan's actions perfectly, gaining sympathetic nods and "Ohhs" all round. In a stroke of genius, she acted as though it was just speculation - "That's what I think he's saying". Would that I could pull that off someday. It took a lot of courage to do it, and I wish I possessed it. Of course, it would have been strange had I said anything - who was I to these people? The harmless visitor who didn't seem to have anything to do with the affairs of anyone gathered there, someone to whom smiles were exchanged, but nothing more. I don't know that Fan himself would have appreciated my support - he might think it most unusual that a relative stranger should stand up for his rights (and judging by his smile, he would think it more suspicious still that I should stand up for his rights when he didn't think they had been violated).

I try to imagine the doctor after the meeting concluded. He no doubt had a few words with the others on the sly, eagerly looking for someone to share in his glee at having found faults with Fan. He didn't say anything to Fan, though.

I realize also that a cynical (or is it pragmatic?) mind might question whether I am going too far with my condemnation of the doctor. What was his real fault? Does he really deserve such a quixotic retort from me? I wrestle with the question myself, I assure you. I too wonder - what really made me upset? I cannot answer - I cannot, because I cannot paint the scene clearly enough. Maybe you would understand if you stood there too, and saw the doctor laugh before proceeding to tear down everything that Fan spent the last few years of his life doing. You would also fight to hold back the tears, even if you did not know why...you would feel that part of the weeping would be with joy at Fan's smile in the face of arrogance, at the innocence that lives on, at the lives that have not forgotten. As you can see, I have broken off again, unsatisfactorily. I do not blame you if you think it a typical outburst from me, which kicks off a pointless yearning for simpler times and what have you. The only reason I would humour such a view is that I suspect Fan himself might share it, even if in a gentler form. And maybe that smile was not one of pitiful surrender. It may well have been one of assured superiority.