You'll remember my advice from a while ago: never write anything the days immediately before or after an age increment. This has been a simple yet effective guard against the most obvious, and unrewarding, strains of self-reflection and flagellation. Well, we're past that point enough now for me to try to bring some sobriety to the scene, but wouldn't you know it, I reach into my mind for a thought and my hand gets eaten up by the dark.
I've told myself this so many times it likely doesn't bear repeating, but I have nothing else to say anyway, so here goes: the meta-flaw I seem unable to conquer is obsessing over my myriad minor flaws. Without my quite realising it, it appears that every quiet moment when my consciousness isn't looking, part of me tallies up the mistakes I've made and keeps a fresh list at the ready for a moment of weakness. That's the only way I can explain what I did yesterday: a sad, and ultimately selfish release of my insecurities to a party unable to do anything with them except make note to never bring up anything of the sort with me again.
It's all the more surprising given that I thought I had...well, if not conquered these demons, then at least tamed them somewhat. You remember the separation of concerns, and all that. I'm not sure then what yesterday implies, other than that I seem to have been living in a form of blissful ignorance I didn't know I was capable of. And frankly, I'm largely ok with that -- some truths just aren't worth confronting or owning up to, provided they are never given the air to actualise. The latter, I think, is the key: how to stop these episodes of emotionally deluging some unsuspecting other?
I know it's a long way still for the next bit to drop, but last night and this morning, I couldn't quite see a future where that actually happened. How am I supposed to keep this up, day after day, night after night? Loneliness has never been a particularly good friend, but it seems the only one I have right now. And, wouldn't you know, it really hates new company.
I've told myself this so many times it likely doesn't bear repeating, but I have nothing else to say anyway, so here goes: the meta-flaw I seem unable to conquer is obsessing over my myriad minor flaws. Without my quite realising it, it appears that every quiet moment when my consciousness isn't looking, part of me tallies up the mistakes I've made and keeps a fresh list at the ready for a moment of weakness. That's the only way I can explain what I did yesterday: a sad, and ultimately selfish release of my insecurities to a party unable to do anything with them except make note to never bring up anything of the sort with me again.
It's all the more surprising given that I thought I had...well, if not conquered these demons, then at least tamed them somewhat. You remember the separation of concerns, and all that. I'm not sure then what yesterday implies, other than that I seem to have been living in a form of blissful ignorance I didn't know I was capable of. And frankly, I'm largely ok with that -- some truths just aren't worth confronting or owning up to, provided they are never given the air to actualise. The latter, I think, is the key: how to stop these episodes of emotionally deluging some unsuspecting other?
I know it's a long way still for the next bit to drop, but last night and this morning, I couldn't quite see a future where that actually happened. How am I supposed to keep this up, day after day, night after night? Loneliness has never been a particularly good friend, but it seems the only one I have right now. And, wouldn't you know, it really hates new company.
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