I have been pondering over whether I was temporarily insane when I chose computer science and rejected mathematics. No answer has come to me yet, although I do think it's a bit silly to get so worked up about it. It is true enough that theoretical computer science does get heavy on mathematics, so to the untrained eye (don't be fooled! Mine are worse than yours) it would seem like they're the same. But the focus is different I suppose, and mathematics is used as a (sophisticated) tool to different ends. One thing that worries me is that I seem to be drawn to the areas and problems that are inherently mathematical; which begs me to ask myself why I shouldn't do mathematics instead! Do I enjoy algorithmic analysis and the like? Yes, but I'm not good at it - which is a worry.

This latest crisis was prompted by the startling realization yesterday that I wasn't being unduly harsh when I said I wasn't particularly good at this field; those at the same level as me are bailing out and so aren't overly concerned about their mastery of algorithms. And I'm considering further studies - heaven help me!

The only consolation is that I have little doubt that if I had made the opposite choice, I would be considering whether I really wanted to give up programming forever or something like that. Not that it seems to make anything much easier, mind you.

'Tis true, not having to sit in on mathematics lectures does not imply that it the door has been shut or anything like that. But self-study, while it sounds like a genuine possibility, has never seemed to work especially well for me thus far. At the start of the year, I told myself that even if I stopped studying mathematics formally, I would still be able to do all sorts of maths on my own, figure out exciting new topics by myself and all that. But I remember exclaiming many years ago that I simply must master complex analysis, with the intent of understanding its subtleties and charms. The net work in this direction has been minimal, and with time presenting itself in scarcer quantities, things don't seem so bright for this little dream's future.

Temporary insanity, eh? I think this whole thing is more insane than anything else. Maybe I just want to be called a mathematician, as if it were more prestigious than being a computer scientist. Hey, maybe it is!

I should take these things more seriously, but I couldn't help thinking the whole while today what Paul Simon once asked me - "Who, now who we foolin'?". Blasted stuff, words, for in their artistic guile they can make one be sure of something that is not necessarily true. It's tempting to want them to ring true, to experience such an ephiphany through song. Heh, I don't know sometimes.