I know that this life cannot be sustained. I've had many hours of joy in this particular corner of the world, and on balance, it's probably the best place I've ever lived. But -- and I don't know this is a self fulfilling prophecy -- all things have their time. The last few months, my daily routine has been nothing short of shambolic. With no alarm to guide me, or introduce any source of rigour in my life, I sluggishly toss off the sheets only when I feel like it. And I very rarely feel like it at anything approaching a normal work day time.
Shattering though the isolation is in the office, it's nothing compared to what awaits me as I may be slow trudge home, my only companion the dull streetlights and the occasional junkie. I used to try to make a point of not staying too late as a habit, not unless there was something particularly important to be done. But now I either invent things to do, or simply find creative ways of killing time, just so that I don't have to face that horrid question: how do I go about unwinding? Ordinarily, this wouldn't be a particular problem. My many solitary interests are still very much in effect, even if some require a certain rekindling. But there has been an alarming trend towards them being the absolute only thing that governs my life.
Put plainly, I simply don't go out anymore; Because I have no one to go out with. In part this is a statement about the peculiarities of my workplace, but that also suggests a key flaw and how I try to forge friendships here. Maybe this is all part of adult life, or at least, adult life when you're entirely on your own. I know, this is the life I've chosen. But I didn't appreciate the things that made it bearable.
So, fine, you might say, then figure out a way of changing that situation. But I can't think of anything that doesn't require a massive purging of whatever few things I have set up as pillars that define me. My career, for example. Despite all my misgivings about it, I suppose my actions speak for themselves, and that I have chosen it over life.
Shattering though the isolation is in the office, it's nothing compared to what awaits me as I may be slow trudge home, my only companion the dull streetlights and the occasional junkie. I used to try to make a point of not staying too late as a habit, not unless there was something particularly important to be done. But now I either invent things to do, or simply find creative ways of killing time, just so that I don't have to face that horrid question: how do I go about unwinding? Ordinarily, this wouldn't be a particular problem. My many solitary interests are still very much in effect, even if some require a certain rekindling. But there has been an alarming trend towards them being the absolute only thing that governs my life.
Put plainly, I simply don't go out anymore; Because I have no one to go out with. In part this is a statement about the peculiarities of my workplace, but that also suggests a key flaw and how I try to forge friendships here. Maybe this is all part of adult life, or at least, adult life when you're entirely on your own. I know, this is the life I've chosen. But I didn't appreciate the things that made it bearable.
So, fine, you might say, then figure out a way of changing that situation. But I can't think of anything that doesn't require a massive purging of whatever few things I have set up as pillars that define me. My career, for example. Despite all my misgivings about it, I suppose my actions speak for themselves, and that I have chosen it over life.
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