Wednesday, October 12, 2011

As always, something I needed to put down, even if I have cooled down considerably since.

The terror. Things may only get worse from here. Any memory of a world you once knew will be pulled up by the monster and ripped to shreds. I would like very much for a global stasis, for everything to stop moving, so that I can feel like anything of what I have experienced has had some value or meaning. How do others cope? By not caring so much on what has happened and instead looking ahead to what the future holds. Why can't I do the same? Because the past is all I have, and it is mocked every time the beast decides on a fresh execution. I don't know if I have lived my life by a code or not, but I am pretty sure few persons of my generation are racked by the confusion caused by this exotic combination of traditional inlook and progressive outlook. If I weren't so exposed to and aware of what lies outside, none of this would bother me as much, I think. But that's not the way I am. So what can I do but want to annihilate the self that is forced to go through this refuse day in and day out? I am really not one for exaggeration, but let it be on the record that at times like these, and I don't remember them feeling as dangerously real when I was younger, the classic line about nights we tried to die finally hits a note of relevance and resonance. Maybe it was premonition and not immaturity that made me attracted to the music then. The hope I felt soon afterwards turned out to be completely unfounded anyway. And it's not just the work, I think. It's the abject loneliness and sense of desperation that magnifies with each second. I can say it with some confidence, I think - I am, at this moment, what anyone rationally observing the situation would call depressed. As depressions go, I don't see too much reason to feel optimistic about anything, because I don't see a good future ahead. Even if I am done with a primary cause of discontent - studying - there will be another to take its place - the fact that she has moved away from me in spirit, perhaps, or the fact that every decision I have ever made has no place or value in this modern world. To frame it another way, it's gotten to the state that if you leave me alone in a room with headphones, I will resort to those songs that saved my life. Only I won't know why they bothered to. The alternative may have been preferable.

No comments: