All these years on, and some things just don't change. I once again provided entertainment to the poor comrade who happened to run into me after it was done, as I was imagining aloud the various hoops I've have to jump through in order to make up for that joke of a performance. He took it all very well, and he had enough foresight in him to claim that my mutterings of B+'s were tantamount to, how should I put it, s/+/S/g. Unlike that great southern land, the land of the free took very little time to prove him right. The discrepancy between expectation and result wasn't as bad as one particular incident the astute reader will recall, but it was bad enough for me to realize that I still have a loong way to go. At least I can provide more entertainment as I stumble through.

On occasion, I imagine that I somehow receive an insight into another's character and taste, and imagine these to be true with a conviction that, on reflection, is somewhat surprising. It took a split-second for me to decide that yes, R would not disappoint, he of course knew the origins of the song that played on the radio, and we could spend the rest of the journey comparing our opinions of the band's development. Such was my confidence that I had already begun smiling, expecting my glee to be unbounded when he confirmed my instinct. So, sure of the answer, I chanced my hand and asked him what he thought of the track. Indifference, he said, after a half-bewildered pause that conveyed as much. Equally quickly, my fanciful dream was robbed, and I was forced to smile weakly and blather about some tangential topic, trying hard to mask the very real disappointment I felt. Another loss, yes, but it isn't all that bad, really. If I ever achieve a straight hit, the rewards will surely be worth any embarassments incurred along the way.

Haunting eyes struck me from across the bus, cutting through the pathetic overstated laughs that I feigned in hopes of avoiding his sight, in hopes of pretending that all was well. What I thought was a casual act of no consequence, I could see I grossly misestimated. I thought of exchanging another smile, to pretend as though nothing had happened, but I knew he would never forgive. How quickly his sweet face turned to anger and hate! It is too much for my heart to bear.

I should have known better than that, of course. The dimmed lights let them revel, but my eye only sought to find my role model. I found him, drink in one hand, the other jiggling loosely in a state of total inebriation. The only goal he had his sights on was shouting louder than the rest of those gathered. I felt a great sadness, but not as much surprise.

I am forced to wonder sometimes - could I have once turned out like these people strewn before me? A small huddle seemed requisite in the cold, though the drinks they had in hand more than made up for that. The alcohol fuelled every bawdy joke and fabrication that their minds held till that point. I could only sit back and wonder what I was doing in this world.

I could predict, when he attested to the lyrical qualities of the song, that it would end up revealing more about him than I had learnt in all the time we had spent curiously probing each other's pasts. "You've run so far and you still can't see", I think it went; something of the sort, anyway. His face had a sombre quality to it, and I could see the weight he attached to the lines. I thought of my pretensions and posturings, and smiled with genuine gratitude at being shown so pure an expression of appreciation. And while I did not forget the harrowing times we had because of each other, I knew that this was one moment which could not be denied.

With a needlessly malicious barb that dripped with sarcasm, he fulfilled every bad stereotype that is placed on his countrymen.

Mid-air, as my eyes are about to close shut in hopes of shutting out the inplacable uneasiness that I feel, I sometimes really do feel as though I can accept just about anything in this world. But more disturbingly, I also imagine that I can just as easily yield all my principles, just in exchange for tranquility and terra firma.

There is a slow, charming Morrissey song that goes by the name "The Lazy Sunbathers", which tells the tale of people oblivious to the world around them, instead thinking only about how best to soak up the sun. Your situation was almost the reverse, right down to the commentator - he had nothing near the gentle understanding that Morrisey brings. No, this new narrator treated the matter with an acidic laugh and a mocking imitation, one which I suppose he thought I'd find amusing. The source of this entertainment was the most minor of acts, a gas mask to protect against fumes that we were clearly told about. It should go without saying that I did not find your caution in the face of a potential disaster at all odd. I could read your concerns, and was confident that your actions were from a pragmatic nonchalance, and nothing more.

As you walked past my window, mask neatly placed and most indiscreet amongst your calm features, I thought again of the secret insult he shared with me. I felt as though the world was too impossibly cruel, but also felt a surging sense of pride and hope in your confidence - I could sense an inspiring degree of indifference to whatever he said. My heart mixed with feelings of sympathy and gratitude, I only wished that I could have offered an embrace that suggested both. Yes, I know that you would care for neither of these things, but I will not retract my intent - let it be known that I would have gladly played the part of the fool, were it required. Respect though I now possess for you, ultimately, I only desire that the universe see just who it is I am.

It would seem that neither time nor inspiration exist in abundance during this particular part of my life's journey. I sorely miss the former, but I can do without the latter for a little while longer. As long as a lack of inspiration does not impact my desire for appreciation, I can pull through for a while yet.